Present to Presence

Self discipline. 
To say no when you want to say yes,
because that is what's best, 
in the long run.

socked a punch
in my middle.

I was now present.

Flesh and bones.

She cured my indifference, then he.

A taste for life.

So I sank deeper, tried harder, loved stronger in order to color the white with your hue.

I was determined to bend and weld life, love, my body, my mind into the very shape I had always envisioned.

I was brimming, no longer sinning, my moon had returned.

L Train

I've been peeled off.
Stripped and scrapped.
Still in one piece though.

I know what they want,
can't even front.

Still doesn't matter either way.

Silence has taken over my wonder and now the only thing that I hear is this heartbeat.

Slow but steady, damn I was so ready.

Affairs of the heart make broken lovers fall apart.

I see it every day. 

And just like that I woke from my double slumber. 

What was I thinking?

Love spells,
broken bells, 
no more singing or ringing.

I came here with many then was left alone.

There was a time I tried to link back with the others.

Silly baby, no one matters.

I don't care how much you'll love me. 

All or nothing.

Exactly what I want or old maid daze.

I'll live in a shoe,
lots of cats,
zero brats. 

If I love you, I love you, if I don't, I won't.

I don't want you, never wanted you, but you there, yes, you'll do.
Isn't that what happens these days? 

Selfish Susies laced with money hungry groupies.

Love got lost back there in May. 

Raise the white flag or go down in flames? 




Sea of bodies,
Skin and hair.

I was digging,

Ran my hand over skin, pulled hair, tasted mouths, plucked out eyeballs and rolled them around.
I'd know it when I saw it.
The difference.
The smell.
The feel.

Where was it?

I was mad, I needed to feast.

Hunger pains changing my color.

Deemed insane and inconsolable, I had 'lost it' in particularities.
Yes thats right I was gone. 
Vacant body left to study in the land of the lost.

This place! 
Holy wow!
Eyes, eyes.
Legs that dipped.

I choose just one?
Just one.
Just one? No fun.

"Wait little one you will see..."

Always waiting.
Rapping my nails against the parlor floor.

Thats what made me leave and start this quest.

Body parts, Queen of Hearts.

I wasn't made to sit still.

Put on the disguise so I could live and not hide.
Beasts always love toying with their prey.

And boy did I fool ya,
donned wings and a halo,
as innocent as a baby in her cradle.

You drank in every word.


We used to want each other.

Talked of love and marriage, 
house and a fly carriage.

Now we're breakin' plans to hold hands with new fans.

C'est la vie cheri. 

Morning texts. 

Now you've got that love tourettes.

Calling me names because you don't like what you painted.

Made me walk away,
that shit got so tainted. 

If it's easier to think the worst, 
do it. 

But you and I both know our true faults and failures.

There were no lies and def not in the eyes of other girls and guys, baby.

You were scared and paired with 12 months of waiting, my deep blue turned grey.

And you know I love to live in color.

So we do what we must.

Mock funerals and late nights filled with foreign lust.

I'll put flowers on your grave and I hope you do the same.

It was grand baby, don't regret a thing. 


He feigned a soul death,
became a ghost, 
and I've become the haunted. 

Blackest nights that ring with soft voices,
revealing paths, pushing me to make choices. 

I just want to stay in this way, 
eternal youth, 
woman child, 
keeping lovers at bay.

Take your hand?
Be your wife?
I feel doom just thinking of joint lives. 

A cage, a jail, tied down, and nailed,
to a cross that I would forever have to bear.

And was I that particular and were things that defined, 
that true love would be found only twice in this lifetime?

Brave of heart and purest light.
Sands of time, 
crossing lands, 
found me twice,
with your broken hands.



Makes me feel like this.

Nightmares and dreamscapes.

Dark smoke in my bed next to me stroking my hair.

Was I dreaming?

Who was it?

Someone that no longer walks this earth or a living soul coming to visit?

Felt so real.

Before that fights in the night over champagne, money, and love.

Old men chasing me.

I just wanted to play.



Wondering where he was, wanting him by my side.

Always by my side.

Then I forgot everything and became new again.

Erased and left white.

Scanning through faces I didn't stop.

All I really wanted was that dark smokey shadow again that had no form. 

That spoke through touch...caressed with no rush.

"Please don't stop."

Smoothing my hair next to me.

With each touch I felt more and more loved.


In the right place.

"Are you alive or dead?"

No answer.

That touch was so familiar.

I woke up exhausted.

Like I had something wonderful. Then lost it.