If High Was Low

I'd be foolish for you.
I'd be reckless too,
I'm blood red.
You, the deepest, darkest blue.
If I wasn't so high, I'd cage and keep you.
I'd become your dawn and your dusk.
If I was low, I'd make it so you wouldn't survive life's undertow,
....without me. 
I'd float you then become your fins.
I wouldn't share.
You can't become too bright.
I'd shade you to dictate your light.
If you didn't love me,
I'd succumb to these feelings of possession.
I'd take you by force, with power, and aggression.

But I am yours and you are mine.

Stopped clocks.
Gifted time. 

Love & HappenStance

"I felt lost without my eyes on you."

A silence,
White washed over the color.
 I was no longer digging through the piles of hearts and eyes.
Deaf to the beating drum.
No longer blind to the past returned.

I would feel, 
love, 
desire, 
purity, 
innocence.

These tools I will take,
to create, 
the most beautiful existence.

I'll give you love, devotion, I'll construct islands and become the ocean.

I'll surround you so that anywhere you step it is I that holds your body steady.

And when you're ready, 
I'll take you farther.

I'll be your partner, 
your playmate.

I'll give you pleasure, 
remind you of God, 
abolish false fate.

I'll give you more joy than you have ever known,
so much so you'll forget your roots, 
I'll become your home.

Lui

I want to stir this silence.
With your body.
In mine.

We'll penetrate this stillness with the scent of love.
With the rumble of lust.

I'll fan your flame with the dampness of desire.
I'll put you down and put you out.

I'll love you a little and I'll love you a lot, a balance to make you yearn for more. Always more...because you like it this way.

I'll do it all for you.
I'll give it all to you.
I'll be your altar and your ground.

And after I've turned you out and you're unable to speak...
I'll do it all again. 

Moitié

Fold me in the present.
Tuck the corners in, can't fall out. 
Slugs and sloths hang about.
Soul is attached, 
cut then catch, 
what should have never roamed. 
He's on his grind, 
This one's lost his mind, 
and I keep myself somewhere in the middle. 
I want to sail seas.
Chase my blue coast breeze.
Speak my other tongue and remember me.
I love this place, I love that place too.
Half here, half there means somewhere in between you're missing. 
I don't pretend,
I don't attempt to hide it. 
Half lit eyes keep me divided.
Paris, 
Cannes, 
mostly Monaco.

Hook and Snare

I was still looking for that thing that would hook and snare.
But it just wasn't there.

Dust covered,
so love hovered,
and I chose to look away from what was peeking through the dirt.

Wind blew,
sun shone,
and there it was,
revealed by day.

Darkness was calling,
so I was running,
straight to the one that said my name a certain way.

Indecision.
Life's derision.

Half woman, 
half child.

Stripped and defiled.
Clean my wounds.
Then press and dress me.

Tell me things, 
like what you would do, 
if you found me wanting another, 
the way you used to...

Would it cut you?

Bleed you out?

Would you shake and shiver as I was shading you in self doubt?

Twenty One

A plague on both our houses.
Self imposed.
No one knows, 
the cure to what ails me.
A tick then tock.
Clean lines.
Impeccable cock.
We made love, 
then we fucked.
Green laced with lean, I'm weak to the ways of the world.
Life beats you down, 
then love soon follows. 
Pop another Vy, 
Bat my eyes and pretend to try.
Pretend that I care, 
maintain the love stare, 
then go home and weep from sorrow. 
Do it again, 
rise to meet the world, 
with a deeper fury.
Sight still blurry, 
from the blood, 
the tears, 
the sweat. 
I have loved, 
and almost always lost.
The mother, 
the father, 
made to be a ghost of a daughter.
They always end up loving me, 
I always end up running.
Straight into my endless sea. 
Where I'm forever young.
A little one.
Stronger takes longer when you're too busy looking into the blue.

Present to Presence

Self discipline. 
To say no when you want to say yes,
because that is what's best, 
in the long run.

Impulse, 
socked a punch
in my middle.

I was now present.

Flesh and bones.

She cured my indifference, then he.

A taste for life.

So I sank deeper, tried harder, loved stronger in order to color the white with your hue.

I was determined to bend and weld life, love, my body, my mind into the very shape I had always envisioned.

I was brimming, no longer sinning, my moon had returned.

La Lune.

I was older then, back there when things were filled with youth and wonder.

My wonder was worry.
Physically a child,
my eyes always told the truth.

I walked through different days.
Saw with different shades.
And loved in different ways.

Tense but willing and able.
I arose to the occasion. 
I made sure my saga didn't turn into a short lived fable.

After the wandering, when the curtains were pulled back and I got to see things as they were, as they are, the heartbeats slowed.

The hands on the clock stopped.

Stillness, then rewind. 

I was propelled into a labyrinth. 
Where things are not always as they seemed, dark looming shadows attempted to envelop me, 
and a promise that when I neared the end I would find the one thing I desired.

I crossed oceans.
Drank potions.
And grew taller, wiser, stronger.

No shortcuts and no secret passages.  This was it. 

I was to fully learn the way of the world and just exactly what it took to be a woman then a little girl.

My prize would be the greatest pleasure earth and man has ever known.

The deepest feelings, so high I poked through ceilings. 

My moon, or as I call him La Lune.

I howl and he comes.
He calls and I run,
so deep into the darkest nights.

Illumination had finally come, no more living with shadows,
no more bumping my bones into those attempting to capture me, 
he would become the only one.

And so shall it be...until breath leaves body. 
 

L Train

I've been peeled off.
Stripped and scrapped.
Still in one piece though.

I know what they want,
can't even front.

Still doesn't matter either way.

Silence has taken over my wonder and now the only thing that I hear is this heartbeat.

Slow but steady, damn I was so ready.

Affairs of the heart make broken lovers fall apart.

I see it every day. 

And just like that I woke from my double slumber. 

What was I thinking?

Love spells,
broken bells, 
no more singing or ringing.

I came here with many then was left alone.

There was a time I tried to link back with the others.

Silly baby, no one matters.

I don't care how much you'll love me. 

All or nothing.

Exactly what I want or old maid daze.

I'll live in a shoe,
lots of cats,
zero brats. 

If I love you, I love you, if I don't, I won't.

I don't want you, never wanted you, but you there, yes, you'll do.
Isn't that what happens these days? 

Selfish Susies laced with money hungry groupies.

Love got lost back there in May. 

Raise the white flag or go down in flames? 

 

 

Sea

Sea of bodies,
Skin and hair.
Nails.
Teeth.

I was digging,
plowing,
tilling.

Ran my hand over skin, pulled hair, tasted mouths, plucked out eyeballs and rolled them around.
I'd know it when I saw it.
The difference.
The smell.
The feel.

Where was it?

I was mad, I needed to feast.

Hunger pains changing my color.

Deemed insane and inconsolable, I had 'lost it' in particularities.
Yes thats right I was gone. 
Vacant body left to study in the land of the lost.

This place! 
Holy wow!
Eyes, eyes.
Lips.
Hips.
Legs that dipped.

I choose just one?
Just one.
Just one? No fun.

"Wait little one you will see..."

Always waiting.
Patience.
Knitting.
Tapping.
Rapping my nails against the parlor floor.

Thats what made me leave and start this quest.

Body parts, Queen of Hearts.

I wasn't made to sit still.

Put on the disguise so I could live and not hide.
Beasts always love toying with their prey.

And boy did I fool ya,
donned wings and a halo,
as innocent as a baby in her cradle.

You drank in every word.

L'histoire

We used to want each other.

Talked of love and marriage, 
house and a fly carriage.

Now we're breakin' plans to hold hands with new fans.

C'est la vie cheri. 

Morning texts. 

Now you've got that love tourettes.

Calling me names because you don't like what you painted.

Made me walk away,
that shit got so tainted. 

If it's easier to think the worst, 
do it. 

But you and I both know our true faults and failures.

There were no lies and def not in the eyes of other girls and guys, baby.

You were scared and paired with 12 months of waiting, my deep blue turned grey.

And you know I love to live in color.

So we do what we must.

Mock funerals and late nights filled with foreign lust.

I'll put flowers on your grave and I hope you do the same.

It was grand baby, don't regret a thing. 

Credo

He feigned a soul death,
became a ghost, 
and I've become the haunted. 

Blackest nights that ring with soft voices,
revealing paths, pushing me to make choices. 

I just want to stay in this way, 
eternal youth, 
woman child, 
keeping lovers at bay.

Take your hand?
Be your wife?
I feel doom just thinking of joint lives. 

A cage, a jail, tied down, and nailed,
to a cross that I would forever have to bear.

And was I that particular and were things that defined, 
that true love would be found only twice in this lifetime?

Brave of heart and purest light.
Sands of time, 
crossing lands, 
found me twice,
with your broken hands.
 

Fantôme

Insomnia.

Makes me feel like this.

Nightmares and dreamscapes.

Dark smoke in my bed next to me stroking my hair.

Was I dreaming?

Who was it?

Someone that no longer walks this earth or a living soul coming to visit?

Felt so real.

Before that fights in the night over champagne, money, and love.

Old men chasing me.

I just wanted to play.

Dance.

Laugh.

Wondering where he was, wanting him by my side.

Always by my side.

Then I forgot everything and became new again.

Erased and left white.

Scanning through faces I didn't stop.

All I really wanted was that dark smokey shadow again that had no form. 

That spoke through touch...caressed with no rush.

"Please don't stop."

Smoothing my hair next to me.

With each touch I felt more and more loved.

Safe.

In the right place.

"Are you alive or dead?"

No answer.

That touch was so familiar.

I woke up exhausted.

Like I had something wonderful. Then lost it.

Depression

I like the strange and unusual because my life has been strange and unusual. I've had a lot of death in my life.  I lost my brother and parents when I was 10, one of my best friends was murdered my junior year of high school, a man who was like my second father died of lung cancer when I was 19, and 4 years ago my ex who was also one of my very beloved best friends was murdered in Brooklyn. Death is something I've had to get very acquainted with.

I've learned a lot about myself through death and loss. I've learned that I'm able to have an incredible sense of humor despite all of the suffering. I've also learned that I can get incredibly depressed because of my PTSD if I don't make my mental health a priority. 

Your brain stops producing the same amount of serotonin as it did before once it goes through a traumatic event thus creating a chemical imbalance. So lets say a perfectly happy guy that had a charmed upbringing joins the army and goes off to war.  He experiences some traumatic events, his life is in danger multiple times (they call this repeated trauma) and just like that...the serotonin levels in his brain are compromised. 

The same goes for anyone that experiences a life altering traumatic event or in my case, my father was going to kill me the same night he killed my mother (for some reason last minute he decided not to) and then I witnessed my parents die. 

It was gruesome and violent (I'll get more into that at a later time). I almost died and the weight of those experiences have changed the chemical make up of my brain. 

Depression shows up differently on everyone.  The way it showed up for me was that I really didn't/couldn't bring myself to care about anything.  Sure I loved my family, my friends, but when it came to my own personal life there was no fire.  I felt like a lighter that was almost out of fluid. I would try to ignite a flame but all I ever produced were tiny little sparks that showed up for a second then disappeared. 

It didn't matter what country or continent I lived on, who I was dating, what job I had, at the heart of it all was this listless lull that never went away. There were moments of distraction that made me think happiness had arrived, but it never lasted and I found myself looking for something else to take my mind off the fact that I felt nothing. 

I tried everything, moving, different lovers, different jobs, but nothing was able to take away the zombie feeling I had inside.  

The person I was seeing at the time told me they took antidepressants and had for the past decade.  I was floored.  I also cried. I had no idea he struggled with depression, here was this man who seemingly had "everything" and he had been fighting this internal war for years. It broke my heart but it also made me feel less alone. Around the time that I discovered this my therapist (yes I go to therapy ya'll everyone should) said that I was a great candidate for antidepressants. I took this as a sign.  I was also EXHAUSTED and at my wits end. I was so tired of trying EVERYTHING I possibly could and nothing was working. (Exercise helped a little but it never lasted) The one thing that I had never tried was medication. 

So I went to see a psychiatrist and started on a low dose of Zoloft. IT WAS LIFE CHANGING. Literally. I felt more like myself than I ever had. I felt as if my therapist, my partner at the time, and my psychiatrist had given me the greatest gift I had ever received, the return of my true self. 

See, I never felt that sadness, suffering, and then eventually numbness was my true essence. I felt that the circumstances that had transpired had altered who I was (understandably so) and I had been trying to get myself back ever since. 

Medication isn't for everyone and it is a deeply personal choice to make. 

All I offer is my experience and I hope by that sharing it lessens the stigma. I love Zoloft and I love the team that keeps my mental health in top form. 

I still take Zoloft every day and in conjuction with a healthy diet and exercise I feel better than I ever have. 

So f*ck the stigma, if you feel sad and can't get a handle on it, GO TALK TO A PROFESSIONAL and make it a priority to take control of your mental health.